an accomplishment

I am very proud of myself and that is rare. Yesterday I finished crocheting a scarf and I think it turned out so pretty. It’s made with deep ocean blue yarn and gold buttons. Sometimes it’s the smallest accomplishments that boost my self confidence.

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Near Year’s Resolutions

It’s January 15th and two weeks into 2019. On New Year’s Day I hung out with my friend who was in town for the holidays. She asked me if I had any resolutions for this upcoming year. I had to stop and think. I told her I hadn’t made a list or anything but I thought about some things i would like to start or accomplish in 2019. I’ve been starting on my goals but I don’t have anything to hold me accountable. Writing everything down will make it a reality instead of having everything in my head like a dream. So here’s my New Years Resolutions for 2019:

1. Read more books. I was a book worm when I was younger but after high school I didn’t read as much I used to. Summer 2019 I stared the Glennbroke Series and finished all 8 books by the end of the year. Robin Jones Gunn is my favorite author and I’m going to try to reread as many books written by her this year,

2. Crochet frequently. A couple years ago I crocheted a blanket for my friends as a wedding present. It took over a year to finish the last stitch. After that i was burned out for crocheting for a year. I started back up during the holiday season and hope to carry on through out the year.

3. Learn a language, or two. In high school I took two years of French and loved it. I adored my French teacher and the language she was teaching me. I use the app Duolingo to further my knowledge of French. Lately I’ve been watching K-dramas and have been itching to learn the language. So why not?

4. Travel. The last place I traveled to was Portland in Summer 2017. Considering that I live close to Seattle, Portland is a weekend road trip. This year I want to put my passport to good used and get stamped to go to Europe. This has always been a dream of mine to experience European culture in England, France, Sweden and Switzerland.

5. Be fit. As a gymnastics coach I exercise few times a week with my students in classes. I’d like to take classes of my own of yoga, dance, ballet, jazz, hip hop, pilates, pole dancing and gymnastics. I do home work outs occasionally but I need to get a gym membership so I can be motivated to go out and stay healthy.

I feel like all this resolutions are very common but I’m twisting it to make them my own. To have goals like everyone else but still be me. I hope when I can still remain motivated when January is over and routines are made and lost. I believe in myself. Cheers to a new year and a new me!

ex best friend

Dear Ex Best Friend,

Do you remember the times when I told you my deepest dark secrets? I trusted you with my whole heart but instead you told me lies instead. At the time I believed you. I was totally infatuated with who you were or I should say, who you led me to believe you were. I always said you were my number one. To me that meant I held our friendship before anyone else in my life. Did you even think of how much I cared when you tossed me aside like a half eaten grilled cheese that you lost the taste for.

I haven’t seen you in two and about half years and in that time I have gotten rid of items that have reminded me of what you. Yet I can’t bare to burn the hand written letters we would send back and forth all those years ago. I watched your ex boyfriend set fire to the box of you and him not know whether you would want to be friends with me again.

Now I know for sure there’s no chance in h*ll that we will ever be friends again. When our mutual friend told me of your engagement, my heart sank. You don’t even value me enough to tell me that you’re getting married. I remember when we used to share our dreams of weddings in Pinterest form. It makes me sad.

I’m also mad at you for all the lies, manipulation and the money you stole from me. Us getting an apartment together ruined our friendship. You were only trying to help but I wasn’t ready to live away from my parents yet. The only reason I don’t totally regret that apartment was because of a boy but that’s a whole other story. Towards the end I started to realize you were just an act that was getting worse and worse and worse until I never saw you again.

Our mutual friend is going to get married in the next few years. I know she will ask you to be the maid of honor and if she asks me to be to be a bridesmaid I’m not sure what I’ll say. I don’t know if I ever want to see you again, even if that means not being present at one of my best friends wedding. I hope you’re happy about your manipulation.

Any chance you see this post know that I care about you, but I’m so hurt and mad.

Over and out,

awkwardkoalasoul

just a little awkward

it’s Thursday evening, 6:43pm, and I’m exhausted. this morning i taught 4 gymnastics classes. i love my job as a gymnastics coach, but some days it’s very draining to be in charge of children I see once a week. If I can be completely honest, this is the best job I’ve ever had. Not only because I have a passion for gymnastics but this job fits me in what I need for a job. I have social anxiety. Every other job I’ve had has made my mental heath worse than it already was. Working in the retail business means being face to face with customers who are complete strangers. Talking with a stranger makes me feel small and self conscious about what I’m saying. Am I saying the right the right or wrong thing. did I accidentally tell a white lie. How do I get out of this conversation. How much eye contact is too much eye contact and where do I look when i I’m not making eye contact. What are my hands even doing. All of this crosses my mind when interacting with a stranger. Social anxiety is a bixch.

I didn’t mean for this post to become a venting mess but here I am. I complain about my life but I actually don’t have it that bad. I still live with my parents who feed me and love me. I have a few close friends that I would never trade for in a heartbeat. Even though my job is part-time (and I mean very part-time) I love it so much and it brings me joy and happiness. I value my morals and what I believe in. Even though I might be different, i am me and nobody else can be.

Identity Crisis

Am I going through an identity crisis? I think so, but know one else seems to notice. That’s because there’s no one around to notice except my boyfriend. Even then I can’t seem to confess my crisis with my identity to him. So I keep playing the character i’ve been for 23 years.

Christie; my birth name. My mom named me after her sister and I appreciate the connection to my aunt because of this. I hate to say but my name doesn’t feel like…me. Ever since my childhood I’ve hated my name. I’ve always told myself because its an “old lady name.” In my teenage years I was obsessive with finding “cool” names and making characters for these names. Most of these characters were me in parallel universes if I had my dream life.

Ariella Hunter, one of my most thought out characters. She was the youngest sibling (like me) and rode horses (I loved riding my sister’s horse and wanted my own). Those are just two examples of similar qualities Ariella and Christie had in common.

Becoming an adult, I had a close circle of friends. I almost felt 100% myself with them. But honestly, i couldn’t tell them that my name didn’t feel like me. Hearing anyone say my name was always triggering for me to spiral in depression about my identity. I often told my friends not to say my name when referring or talking to me.

Now to the present day, I finally feel like I have a connection to name to identify with. I am scared to tell my friends and family about this name because they won’t understand and will judge me. Here I am now telling the internet my secret. My name is Hadley Theo.

this is a stupid story about a boy who didnt know i fell in love with

imagine this….
no i’m not kidding close your eyes.
wow i just want you to get the full essence of this.
thank you.

now imagine this…
a introverted 17 year old senior girl. she’s TAing a french 1 class. when a new kid arrives. he’s tall, quiet, yet so intelligent whenever he speaks. she can tell they have a lot in common such as their love for coffee, traveling  and interest in different culture…just to name a few.

naturally a crush on her side is formed.

as a TA she made sure she made special attention to help him in class. but she was always careful no one would notice. all she wanted was for him to notice her back. she tried so hard for him to take interest in her,  but as far as she could tell he didn’t. she even invited him to hangout with her at the senior prom.

nothing. she was crushed.

quotes from my inner soul

“I could write a book about all the ppl i’ve fallen in love with.”

“i wish i was one of those ppl that everyone calls their best friend”

“missing ppl is my biggest downfall in life”

“i hope i confuse you and you think of me a lot”

“being an adult means not running away”

“move on if it’s too painful. if it’s meant to be it’ll come back”

“why hold a grudge? it’s bad for the soul”